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By BekaBal Latest Activity January 28 at 3:20 pm Views 1,651 Replies 16 Likes 1

BekaBal

Depression isn't as new to me as joining a forum about depression. The one time I committed to treatment, I had to stop due to financial complications. I've been reaching out to mental health professionals since November of last year, trying to get an appointment that will fit my economic situation. I'm hoping for a call back this week, which I would like to be hopeful about, but, honestly, hope is the last bird flying into my window lately. I'm in my mid-thirties, struggling in a state where I can't live the independent lifestyle I long for, gaining nothing from my time and effort to succeed but failure. My mother must have been right. I always do everything wrong. I'm facing the consequences of decisions I've made along the way, some which I knew were not good for me, some which I thought would be good, and now I'm here, feeling completely alone, hopeless, and like my life will never go anywhere. My support system hears what they want to hear and not what I'm telling them, which makes it even more difficult to get out of this rut. I don't blame them. They must be really tired of my long spells of depression and messiness and chaos. It just seems like there's a person I was supposed to be, but I never found her, while others around me did. They can't relate, and I feel happy for their lives, but not for mine. I will never be what they expect, but I don't think that's the worst of it. The worst is that I'm hopeless about the person I wanted to be. My dreams, my passions and aspirations are swiftly going down the drain. Again, maybe my mother was right. I can't do anything well. And maybe the world would be better without me in it, but, really, I'm such an insignificant speckle of dust in this universe, killing myself is kind of a laughable notion (not that a thanatophobe would kill herself anyway). All I want is to feel me being here, to breathe, to make happiness possible. But I no longer have any hope that any of this will happen, and that's why I'm here.

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Replies (16 replies)

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  • MarianneinLosAngeles
    MarianneinLosAngeles March 12 at 7:57 pm   

    Dear BekaBal,

    I feel like all I can really say to this is it that you sound precisely like me to almost every single detail. And although I am scared for myself, I sincerely hope you've been doing well since January.

  • Dr GaryCA January 31 at 5:40 pm   

    Hi BekaBal, it's really great to meet you. I am glad you found your way to Depression Connect. I was really touched by your post, it is so well written, so honest and descriptive of what it can be like to live with depression. And I felt sad that you are having such a difficult time finding help. I hear this so often. Health insurance is often inadequate if the copayments are high, and there aren't enough community mental health resources. So I hope you will keep advocating for yourself, like it sounds like you already are. I really hope you are able to find someone soon. Friends and family are not always as helpful as you would hope they would be. I think the issue here is that when a loved one is living with mental illness, friends and family can feel kind of helpless. They don't know what to do or say, so they don't say anything, or they say something like "You'll be better soon." Or they deny there's a problem. That's not so helpful, right? Sometimes they need to be reminded that you aren't expecting them to fix you, but just to be there for you, to listen. I understand the feeling of hopelessness, that is what depression tells you. But depression is treatable. So again, I hope you will keep trying to get connected to the help you need. And I hope you will stay in touch with us. You are not alone.

  • BekaBal
    BekaBal February 8 at 12:44 am   

    Hi Gary. Thank you for responding. I've actually gone to one therapy session as of today. It turns out, my insurance has a behavioral health program at a low cost which I was completely unaware of. To be honest, I left the session feeling drained (as I know can happen) and a little discouraged. The counselor spoke of medication quite a bit, even though I told him I wanted to try getting better without pills. It was like talking to that telemarketer who won't let you off the phone. I almost didn't book another session, but I'm seeing him again next week. I figured my brain is in no condition to make rational decisions right now, and maybe it is time I accept that medication should be part of my treatment. Coincidentally, this week I finally got a call back from the therapist I tried to see through EAP last year. I get eight free sessions, and she's trained in EMDR, so I am a bit hopeful about that. I'm not altogether sure if seeing two therapists is a good idea, though. Am I overdoing it?

  • Dr GaryCA March 1 at 11:39 pm   

    Hi BekaBal, I am sorry I didn't see this message earlier. Thanks so much for getting back to me. Glad you took the first step to see a counselor, but I am sorry to hear you felt so drained. I would encourage you to follow your instincts here. If you feel inclined to see both therapists, that is your choice. But I would certainly meet with the EAP therapist and explore how the two of you can work together, especially since you want to avoid medication if possible. She will at least offer you an additional perspective. You can see how things go with her, and decide how you want to proceed. I am not trained in EMDR, but have heard good things about it. Medication has helped a lot of people, but I understand your hesitation. I encourage you to be open-minded, listen to what both therapists have to say, and decide from there. Glad to hear you are able to get connected with treatment.

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