I am drowning

By Faithhiee Latest Activity June 4 at 11:09 pm Views 484 Replies 4

Faithhiee

hey guys. my name is Faith, ive been googling today and came across this forum. im just looking for a bit of advice or relief or something, im not really sure. ive read lots of words but its all the same and nothing resonates.

I have been dealing with depression for a long time. ive been diagnosed with chronic depression. im on meds, im on mood stabilizers. but it still comes and goes as it pleases and lately it feels like some other person is growing inside of my head. my thoughts are crazy. i feel hopeless, lost, no sense of direction, i feel like its all pointless.

I sit here today as i struggle financially and emotionally.

I own a small business that seems to dwindle day by day. I think, get a job. that will solve your problems, and yet i can not get myself to get up. my business is dying because i still can't get up.

I look at people who work the regular 9-5 and think, WHY? does anyone spend their life living? what does it mean to live? when i think of living, i think the beach, fun, happiness. I don't think of work. Work = money = living, right? look, to live you need money. money, a piece of paper worth something. but what is it worth? to some its a piece of gold or silver. but gold and silver grow naturally in the earth. how does that give it worth? when I look at a dollar, i don't see a shiny piece of metal to give my life meaning. In my eyes, a dollar = time. Time is worth. it has a worth because you cannot replicate it. you give time away in exchange for a piece of paper that gives you an entitlement to live. but to live you need time. its ironic. i looked at a few job postings and saw "2 weeks paid vacation every year" and i thought OMG THAT'S WONDERFUL, I give YOU 342 or whatever days of my year and in return i get to have 14! YAY! 14 days to live. to travel. enjoy myself. obviously you don't work 7 days a week, maybe just 5 or 6. so yes you get a day here, a day there, but i can't explore the world in one day, maybe just the back yard. I can't get on a boat and get lost at sea in a day. I can't make an exciting camping trip for my son in just ONE day. and 14 days isn't exactly going to cut it either. but then again, all the free time i have now is wasted is self guilt, self destruction, self hate.

I do get it. you give your time to make money in hopes that with enough time given, you will have enough money to buy your time back; aka retirement.

but WHY? why do we call this living? I used to work 2 full time jobs, 7 days a week. i didn't complain i just did what i had to do to provide. i changed course and opened this business as a way to continue providing as well as spend more time alive.

my depression has always come and gone but this time i just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like my mindset went from strong, ready to go, do what you have to do to just mush. where did these thoughts come from?

so guys, I have a bad tire. its so bad i know its going to blow any day now. its showing strips of metal and it has a big bubble. but im behind on bills. i just can't pay for a new one. and so i only drive in our other car. but… Today i had a meeting, and today without hesitating i took the car with the bad tire 2 hours away. the whole way there hoping it would blow. hoping if i went fast enough and it blew that it would push me into a tree. hoping it would be an involuntary way to come to an end.

Today i came home angry that it got me home safely. today i walked into my home and wanting to scream, yet no words came from my mouth. today i went into my room and saw how trashed it was, because i hadn't had the energy to clean it. today i looked into the mirror and realized i hadn't put makeup on in god knows how long. today i realized i hadn't brushed my hair all week. i left it up top in a bun to dread itself because i didn't have the energy to brush it. today i curled up in a ball and rocked myself while tears poured from my expressionless face. Today my other half looked at me, and he looked scared. and today i realized that i am so far from okay and i can not even begin to see a way out. i can not find any reality. i can not make it stop. and i really just can't do this anymore. i can't keep doing this. i can't keep thinking like this. i can't keep living like this. i want to die so badly it hurts and yet i feel so calm that it is worrisome.

i feel all the things and yet, i feel nothing.

and i know if i got a job i would fix the outside problems. but how do you fix the inside problems?

if i can't get my head back, if i can't wake up in the morning, if i can't force myself to do what i have to do because of a mental illness, how will i ever begin to fix the outside problems?

I think i need some help. and after reading what i wrote i think i might sound a bit mad. if anyone out there can read this and understand what i mean by it, please help.

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Replies (4 replies)

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  • Dr GaryCA August 9 at 11:52 am   

    Hi Faith, I first want to welcome you to Depression Connect. I am glad you found you way to us. I really appreciate that you shared what's going on in your life. I know this is the usual therapist response but I just have to ask if you have considered reaching out for some help from a mental health professional. What you are experiencing is treatable. Therapy can help. A mental health professional could sit down and talk things out with you and recommend a way forward, which might include medication or therapy or a combination of both. There are a lot of options out there for help. If you aren't sure where to start, you might bring this up with your regular doctor and ask for suggestions. Or check out the list of behavioral health providers on the website of your insurance company. Don't go through this alone! In the meantime, I encourage you to stay active in the day to day tasks of your life, one step at a time. Take really good care of yourself. Get support from friends and family. Take care of your personal wellness — eat, sleep, activity. And I hope you will stay in touch with us. Again, I hope you will reach out for help from a professional. Let us know how you're doing.

  • MolovesHP
    MolovesHP June 8 at 7:12 pm   

    I hear you. I see you. I understand what you mean when you say this isn’t living. I don’t want to work and eat and sleep and maybe workout in between forever. I want to have fun and vacation and get married and have kids but also enjoy that. I keep thinking my new changes will make life better, more enjoyable ( we’re looking for a new place away from the bustle of town) but then I can’t help but worry that new stressors are going to make life not worth living ( traffic, isolation, etc.) Thank you for sharing, I am glad to know I’m not alone.

  • Aquarius0202
    Aquarius0202 June 6 at 11:13 pm   

    Hey, hope today had some joy in it, at least for a moment. I get your story COMPLETELY! My manic depression turns into a full blown existential crisis depression, which is very much like what you posted. The search for purpose, the point of everything if we are all born to die. I take a 'beep load of meds and they help a lot. Like saved my life a lot. Financially, again same boat I live below poverty level and this country is a financial joke.

    A couple of things, have you tried Seroquel? Also please try to find one thing to do that is enjoyable to you. Music, movie, book, bath, whatever. Anything even for 1 minute. Self care is super important. Are you seeing a therapist?

    Obviously you have read a lot, please take care of yourself, reach out like you did here and don't be afraid to go to the ER. Look forward to your reply!

  • SAvalent
    SAvalent June 5 at 3:21 pm   

    Hi Faith, I hope that you made it through the day. I have also wished that some external force would end my suffering. I haven't acted on it but I do know that place. I recently had a MRI and was actually hoping that they would spot a tumor or some other fatal issue. It was scary to think that but that's where I was at the time. Depression flat out sucks. It sucks out your spirit. It sucks out anything fun. It robs me of pleasure and sucks back in it's place despair and the inevitable financial problems that come along with that paralysis. It's been more than a 20 year journey so far and I'm afraid that I will never truly be cured. But, and it's a really big and important but, I know that I won't always feel this bad. I will either find a new combo of meds, treatment, exercise, weight loss, personal circumstances etc that will help. I have seen that in others and I have experienced it myself. Even if it takes a really long time you won't always feel this way. I hope that makes sense.
    There are little things I can do that can give some relief. Helping others seems to be easier than helping myself. Just writing this response has lifted my mood a bit. I also learned about Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation today. I'm going to ask my doc about it. I'm all for any treatment that doesn't involve more meds. If it means I have to sit in a chair with a goofy looking magnetic hat for 30 minutes then that's fine with me. So there is usually something else you can try and with chronic depression I know that nothing is going to work forever. You sound so down in the dumps I commend you for searching for help and having the energy to write it down. You don't sound crazy to me. The disease is crazy. If it ever gets too bad call 911 and let them know you are having thought about ending your life or doing harm to yourself. They will help get you to a hospital where you will get a chance to reset some things. They will look at your meds and may adjust them. At the very least it's a 3 day timeout where they will keep you safe. Sometimes, time is a better medicine than any drug therapy. People love you, they need you, and they want you to get better. Hang on, it will get easier to feel the sunshine that you used to enjoy. -SA

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